POSH CLOSET

2012-02-07T21:33:00.000+08:00

What emptiness it brings when we rely on someone so much and then...

That someone disappears.

I think such emptiness cannot be contained or described with words.

You must experience it in order to be able to understand it.

But then again,

Everyone has a different experience in such ordeals.

The fact is that in our lifetime, we will definitely meet with a situation where we will lose at least one important person in our life.

How can I take it when that happens?

Even by reading such a moving and complex script,

I feel the emptiness.

I feel the sadness.

I feel the need of having someone there, at least one person is better than none.

It is not that I do not rely on God but... let’s be factual and realistic,

Everyone needs someone they can count and rely on in our mortal lives.

That’s why people get married or forge strong friendships – two is better than one. But what happens after one leaves? What happens to the other one?

2012-02-04T23:51:00.000+08:00

Remember to look behind you

Because He is there walking every step of the way with you.

Supporting, comforting and guiding you in every step you take.

Faith will get you far. It always will.

2012-01-30T00:11:00.001+08:00

If I could die from all the stress and anxiety,

I would have died long ago.

2012-01-29T01:17:00.001+08:00

I feel very heavy.

I feel like my heart is so heavy that anytime, with anything more added into it, it’ll just fall off and I'll become an empty shell.

I feel like my head is so heavy and messed up that anytime I can go crazy.

Or maybe, I already am.

I have been questioning and thinking a lot.

More of thinking than questioning.

I have been thinking about what I want to do after the bond.

I want to travel so that I do not become narrow-minded.

I want to experience and explore different cultures to see what makes it unique and different so that I am open and receptive towards ideas and practices.

I want to know what is out there because there is so much to explore, learn and experience.

But, at the end of the day...

There is something called reality.

I feel very heavy

And tired.

Very tired.

I haven’t felt this tired before.

I haven’t had such thoughts before.

And it scares me.

2012-01-06T14:58:00.001+08:00

I haven’t really sat down to think about the past year which I usually do on every birthday of mine.

I must say 2011 hasn’t really been the most exciting as compared to 2010 but it has been a year of growth; mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

I’m officially a recognised teacher. It is something so serious. No joke. A serious career and I’m not ready to take it up just yet.

And so, I’m in uni now which is something that I cannot believe. I’ve never thought that I would be able to enter a local uni. His grace is truly abundant.

I performed a solo and was commended. It helped me find who I am and what I enjoy doing. Despite realising the fact that it can never be, at least I know I am good at it and it will push me forward to singing more. At the same time, I know that I have something I can fall back on, inspire and help others in.

I’ve grown very emotionally attached and am in a place where it is very comforting and blissful.

Of course 2011 had its lows and lowest, life is just accepting who we are and learning from them, moving on and picking ourselves up, finding freedom and joy, experiencing love and peace.

I don’t do new year’s resolutions but I hope this year will be another year of finding maturity and balance as well as a learning journey, being prepared for the ups and downs, and being thankful for the ones around me.

Thank God for a year of growth and understanding, and His grace will yet again help me through another.

2012-01-05T13:43:00.001+08:00

I hope the year ahead will be a good one.

It was a fantastic start.

(:

2011-12-27T00:18:00.002+08:00

My mind is way too active for its own good.

2011-12-23T17:54:00.002+08:00

How can we forget someone who gave you so much to remember?

How can we forget someone who is so important to you?

... How can someone not bother so quickly?

The deepest wounds in your heart are the ones caused by people who are very dear and close to you.

2011-12-22T20:23:00.000+08:00

2011-12-22T00:11:00.002+08:00

I am so upset and disappointed with how things turned out that I cannot contain it anymore.

Is it wrong that I cannot endure this anymore?

I am really very upset and, unhappy right now.

2011-12-11T01:15:00.001+08:00

You know why I don’t want children?

It’s because I don’t want my children to go through what I’m going through.

I don’t want my child to go through loneliness, heartbreaks, disappointments and the feeling of being left out.

It is worse when I, as a parent, make the mistakes that my parents make now.

I will see myself as a failure.

And then...

I’m so emotionally tired.

Sometimes I question...

Do I need to spell everything out?

Do I need to feel so down then things will get better?

But how many times has this happened?

Am I able to carry on in this?

Am I sane?

And then...

As if this is all not enough,

There are other issues happening.

You know, being lonely is one thing to deal with.

Knowing that others know that you’re lonely and not do anything is another.

It feels...

Even lonelier. It would have been better if no one knew.

I am not ranting, neither am I complaining.

I just need to deal with it. I know.

But no one said it would be this difficult.

2011-12-09T17:40:00.002+08:00

I’ve had a great opportunity to discuss with a few people about music.

I feel very privileged to be able to converse in a musical language with people who are actually a lot more senior than I am who are so experienced and are so genuine to share. I hope I can do the same with fellow juniors in the future.

We shared that being musically inclined and practicing music is a lonely journey. Sometimes it’s sad and difficult and many a time people do not understand what we have to go through. They think we are being difficult and too particular. They think we can practice anytime of the day, they think music is all “fun and games” and very “easy-going”. The fact is our journey is far from that.

We spend hours, heartaches, sweat, pain, tears, blood and mental fatigue to play a piece of music good enough for people to listen to; to appreciate.

And it hurts to see people not appreciate it as much as we do or at least try to appreciate and try to understand. It is sad that people do not see this importance in culture; this essentiality in life.

My vocal teacher shared with me something very intriguing. She was sharing with me that singing needs to connect with the soul. Our soul belongs to God and with that, we connect with our soul and it connects with our spirituality. It goes deeper than just emotions. When we sing, we sing deep into our souls. We express and experience through and with our souls. That is how we should sing and that is how we should make music.

Music is alive... It is not just words and notation.

It is alive and a life.

And sadly, many people do not understand and appreciate this fact in life.

2011-12-03T23:29:00.000+08:00

Honestly, I am happy.

Actually, I am very happy.

And it scares me.

I’ve never imagined being happy before.

I’ve never understood what happiness is.

Not that I had a terrible childhood.

I had a wonderful blessed childhood filled with fun and love.

I was the one who ruined it.

Just like every child out there, I wanted to grow up faster.

Made many mistakes in life that ruined my growing years, my precious growing years.

I think those years are very important. We grow psychologically, physically and spiritually. All of which are inter-linked. All of which affects how we perceive issues and how we handle matters in life.

And... I am amazed at how I turned out despite what terrible rubbish I had put myself through.

I have never thought that I would be in this position today.

And to be able to feel...
Happy...

So this is how happiness feels.

It feels.... amazing.

I am truly very blessed.

He really loves me.

He didn’t abandon me.

He truly answers prayers at His own appointed time.

2011-12-01T22:30:00.003+08:00

Have you ever had a friend who is actually a total stranger?

Well, I never thought that I would have such a “friend” until today.

And you know what,

It is alright.

Because I’m done.

It takes someone close to hurt you isn’t it?

And boy it did hurt alright.

But you know what,

It’s alright.

I’ve learnt that you’ve never meant any of your words.

I’ve learnt it the hard way of course.

And I am done.

So it’s fine.

No worries.

All’s good.

All’s good without you and I.

I won’t die.

It doesn’t matter that you don’t even bother.

I know I’ve done what I could and I’ve had enough.

And I am a lot happier this way.

I’m not how I was.

My faith, emotions and energy does not register your existence under the “friend” category anymore.

And I can look back at the memories and feel (partially) nothing at this moment.

Why? Am I heartless? Not sentimental? Unappreciative?

No... You are the one that is heartless, not sentimental and unappreciative.

The hurt you’ve done cannot be undone.

So, it’s fine.

I’m done.

I won’t die without you and I.

2011-12-01T00:16:00.001+08:00

I am truly very blessed.

2011-11-21T22:28:00.001+08:00

It was heart wrenching to see someone whom you had thought was healthy but actually wasn’t and in fact can leave very soon.

It is even more difficult to watch when the life that will be taken away pretty soon is barely 15.

Skin and bones... so that’s how it looks like in person. It is like seeing a picture of someone who has survived WWII as a prisoner in your Social Studies textbook. Only just that this is real, in front of your eyes.

I am so scared for him and I cannot imagine how scary it is for him.

What goes through his mind every day, every night before he sleeps?
How does he handle the pain, fear, chemo, jabs, nausea, the tubes running in and out, and the fact of inevitable death coming your way when a final hope disappears...?

So brave...

So young...

What was I doing at 15? Seriously. And kids 15 and younger are going through chemo, handling and battling things that not even adults can handle.

A student after seeing this couldn’t fathom how a person with cancer who is slightly younger than her can handle such things; can handle death.

I think the issue here is being brave and mature not only for yourself but also for your parents.
But still, how much can a human mind take under such circumstances?

I’ve never had a friend who has cancer or died abruptly but this experience is as close as it can get.

And I must say, it is very, very depressing.

I mean, walk down orchard road or take the MRT and all you see is people around my age pursuing fame, money, status, the newest IT bags, killer heels, make-up, brands, technology, holidays, food, results/qualification; basically things pertaining to a good life.

And then when you walk down the corridor of a kids’ cancer ward... you see various degrees of hope, pain, weariness and the simple joys in life.

My heart cannot take this. This is crazy.

I cannot be a nurse, definitely. I’ll stick to teaching.

As if my day couldn’t get more depressing, a wake ended my day.

And now I have a lot on my mind once again.

Better to go to the house of mourning
Than to go to the house of feasting,
For that is the end of all men;
And the living will take it to heart.
Sorrow is better than laughter,
For by a sad countenance the heart is made better.
(Ecclesiastes 7:2, 3)

2011-11-16T15:04:00.005+08:00

You know...

I’ve been thinking... oh right; I always think and not share it with anyone but anyway back to the point,

I’m glad how things went.

I am actually happy for the ups and downs, especially the downs, for the past 6 years.

Wait, what? It has been 6 years? Wow. Time flies isn’t it.

I’m happy. You’re happy.

That’s just all we can ask for one another.

From the bottom of my heart, I’m happy that you’re happy.

That’s what I prayed for you to have and you’re happy now.

I saw the jersey that you gave and... I don’t feel anything anymore.

I am so proud of myself for getting out of that pit (not forgetting the people who helped along this difficult journey).

I am so thankful that I met you because you taught and showed me what I wanted in life and how I should live it, affirming my strong will.

At the same time, we broke each other.

... One of the many ironies and mysteries in life which we will never understand.

But you know what, you’re happy and I’m happy.

That’s just all that we can ask for.

------------------------------------------------------

I couldn’t ask for anyone better.

This immense mutual understanding that no one in this universe can comprehend,

Is amazing...

I think God really is fantastic.

He looks into the minutest details and makes them special; makes them work.

Like enzymes.

What would my life be?

I guess I know what it would have been.

Dark, scary, fiery, down, weary... empty.

I’d rather die without you and I – Lady Gaga’s You and I

2011-11-14T12:30:00.004+08:00

After so many years, I open my wardrobe and I see many shades of black and white.

All of which are not exactly “colours”.

I like plain stuff.

My friends have commented that I should go on bold colours; a variety.

Well, I’ve tried.

But you see, I don’t see these colours in me or rather I don’t see myself in these colours.

I feel awkward in other colours besides the ones I like or prefer.

I don’t like prints actually. I like block colours – plain.

I feel best in black. It’s my favourite.

Colours reflect your personality, isn’t it?

We go through phases and it is reflected through the things we buy.

Quite an interesting note to discover in people.

During this semester of study, it was a new revelation.

I learnt more about myself as a person ‘cos Drama/Theatre is about understanding oneself before exploring.

A tutor once shared that we dress in black for all Drama modules because black is a colour that shows that we are the embodiment of someone else. Black is empty, we empty ourselves to take on another. We can evolve in black.

Oh, I love black.
It is amazing.

Elie Saab

The Sartorialist

2011-11-07T12:12:00.000+08:00

Time flies.

Sigh.

Sometimes I do not know whether I should be glad that time flies or to be sad.

Sad because we leave what happened, we go further and further away.
They become memories.
Sometimes these memories fade and sometimes they don’t.
Both leave some bittersweet configuration in our cells.

Happy because there are so many things to look forward to,
So many things to anticipate and hope.
But what happens next?

I prefer not to be too happy because what happens next?
What happens after a fantastic performance?
What happens after a fantastic getaway?
What happens after a sumptuous dinner gathering?
What happens after an intimate night?
What happens?
How do you feel?
Where do you head next?

Sometimes it’s good having a simple life in Cambodia.

Sometimes I can understand why people cheat on their spouses,
Sometimes I can understand why people go crazy,
Sometimes I can understand why people do what they do...

But it doesn’t mean I agree with them.
Is just that their hearts aren’t filled with something greater.

But of course, we are only human.
We need the human factor, that human touch.

Blabber blabber blabber...
Life goes on.

2011-10-22T23:45:00.001+08:00

What's happiness?

I think contentment makes a better summary.

2011-10-20T23:15:00.000+08:00

It has been extremely draining, mentally and physically.
I don’t know what day and night is anymore.
I don’t see myself as busy as how I was but I think it is more of the mental state of mind.

The black room is really quite a depressing place to be in almost 13 hours a week.
Am hoping the next 4 semesters will pass quickly and then the bond will begin which isn’t the most fascinating time of my life to begin with.

Honestly, I try to be optimistic but it’s obviously not my strongest point.
Oh well. Make the best out of it, I guess.

Week 10 of school but it’s already taking a toll on me.
Just imagine...

I don’t see how uni is different from my life in NAFA actually.
In fact, I think it’s a lousy comparison to begin with.
I find people who tell me things like “Welcome to uni life...”
Rather shallow actually because they obviously do not know what NAFA put us through.

The stress and pressure is different but you know,
It’s just how we see it and deal with it.
And dealing with a new subject can be quite a dread.

Not that I’m complaining but I think it is rather painful and torturing to quench a passion for something else just so that we can fit the bill and survive in this sad, sad world.
I mean, where is the flexibility in things? Where is the empathy?

I don’t see how life is getting better emotionally and mentally.
Is the world just all about physicality?
How sad the world has become.
How shallow the world has become.
How naive, complicated and degraded the world has become.

2011-10-07T18:53:00.006+08:00

I am very thankful for many things.

It feels... Complete.

A new phase in life is coming and

Am not sure whether I'll be prepared

But in any case, I can’t wait
*beams*

2011-10-03T01:37:00.002+08:00

Seriously.

Who am I trying to kid?

Sigh.

Independent?

All I wanted was a little more care and concern.
A little more consideration and appreciation.

Am not as strong as others can be.

Couldn't you see that since then,
All I ever wanted is to receive some acknowledgement.

Sometimes I wonder why do I bother...

Seriously. Why.

2011-09-30T17:31:00.004+08:00

Wow.

This is it.

We really are growing older.

I think the first 20 years of my life has been pretty happening.

I think the last 3 years can be made into a Korean drama series. (Inside joke)

But in any case, it has been a wonderful journey.

When we fall hard, we really learn and achieve more.
We grow into a better person with God’s grace of course.

Well, for starters am in uni now. And I’d never thought that I would be here today.
I think my parents did not expect this much of me either.

Wow. What a journey.

We get busier and busier.

I cannot imagine what it will be like in the next 5 years.

There are so many dreams to achieve.

But ultimately we can only choose one path.
Which will it be?

It has been a drought for me, emotionally and psychologically.

The only thing that helped me find myself is no longer what makes up my life now.

Sigh.

It is sad to extinguish such a flame.
The burning desire to get better, to give entertainment to the audience,
Is just a dream isn’t it.

I love the thrill, the anxiety, the adrenaline rush before we get on stage.
Hand-in-hand, partners, we go on stage and nail it.
Fill the theatre with this ringing sensation.
5 minutes of excitement.
Either you make it or break it.

Am going to have 35 minutes of such excitement but in front of 2 – 3 examiners.
Who cares?
We are divas.
Beat it.

The only time we can be divas is when we are on stage.
Listen and listen well to my ringing sensation.
Embrace it.
Marvel.

Sigh.
A dream.

What a passion to extinguish.

2011-09-19T00:32:00.002+08:00

I know I have a fickle heart
And a bitterness and a wandering eye
And a heaviness in my head

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before
Baby, please remember me once more

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
...

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before
Baby, please remember me once more

Baby, don't forget you used to love me...

When will I see you again...?

- Adele's Don't you remember

2011-09-09T00:39:00.001+08:00

Life is so fragile.

Sigh.

So sudden.

Too sudden.

I cannot comprehend the fear and anxiety.

This is too sudden.

Makes you think about life.

He can give it easily; He can take it away easily.

Just like that.

Gone.

2011-08-31T00:03:00.002+08:00

Yes, never take things for granted.

Never thought I would love like this.

Never thought I would be able to see so much beauty.

2011-08-28T21:32:00.002+08:00

Too little hope isn’t good for one’s health.

Too much hope isn’t good either.

Being hopeful isn’t healthy at all.

Sometimes I question why I am still in this.

Why...

The person I used to be would have bailed.

I question why I put myself through such things.

I question why...

I want my heart back.

But the person who took it cannot return it.

The person who has it does not want to return it.

The person who broke doesn’t know how to fix it.

I really question why...

I’m sick of it.
Sick of the whole damn thing.

I don’t know how to feel anymore.

So disappointed.

So weary.

So jaded.

Whatever.
Life goes on.

2011-08-24T00:53:00.002+08:00

We led lives that were parallel.

And when we finally crossed paths,

It was short-lived.

Only just a passing moment.

But who would have thought that

With such a passing moment,

It will live inside for so long.

It scares me

Because I do not want this passing moment inside for too long.

I do not want to live life thinking about the “What if”.

The “What if” will never be a possibility.

“Is that how you feel or is that how you think you feel?”

I think more often than not,

We lie to ourselves more than we lie to others.

Whatever the case is,

I know the “What if” is never a possibility.

I wouldn’t dare say I loved you but you were my first love.

First loves never die, do they?

I wish I had a pretty little heart for you to cherish and to hold.

Just a complete pretty little heart.

A wholesome one.

2011-08-19T22:58:00.001+08:00

I'm tired already.

How many times have I said this?

Everytime I feel this way,

I lose a part of you or rather, you lose a part of me.

Someday, I'm afraid I'll lose it and say,

"I've moved on."

When that day comes,

maybe we might be happier that way.

2011-08-14T00:55:00.002+08:00

The sad part is that things have not changed at all.

The sad part is that I am still as disgusted as before.

The sad part is that I don't even care anymore.

2011-08-08T17:45:00.004+08:00

2011-07-26T10:07:00.001+08:00

I think getting one’s heart broken is the most painful thing anyone can ever experience.

It is a fear to feel heart broken.

Because…

Well, for starters, no words can describe the pain

And a little part of it will stay with you forever.

Being “heart broken” comprises of many emotions and that is why it is so immensely painful to bear.

That is why love covers a multitude of sins,

Love bears all things,

Love is what we need and search (be it from God or man).

Love is everything.

Do not awake love before it matures.

Do not even touch it.

I admire those who have their pretty hearts still bright and lovely.

Wholesome beautiful hearts

Which they can give to the other when the time comes.

I wish I had a wholesome beautiful heart which I can give.

2011-07-23T21:32:00.003+08:00

When I grow up, I don't want to be like you. Both of you to a certain extent.

Because sometimes, I feel that I have to be who I don't want to be.

You tell me to be this but you do that.
You tell me to be that but you do this.

I don't want to be so insensitive and unappreciative.

When I grow up, I don't want to be like both of you.

I want to be better.

I hope we can be better.

__________________________________________________

I finally understood why I did it 7years ago.

What a breakthrough.

What a sad breakthrough.

What a sad situation it took for me to obtain this breakthrough.

I’ve never felt so abandoned and disappointed with the people who are supposedly the dearest in my life.

2011-07-01T11:54:00.003+08:00

I wonder what happened because it takes two hands to clap, takes two to make things work and requires the effort of two.

I guess it is because I've given up waiting, hoping and trying.

Letting go is the most difficult and longest part isn't it?

But they never do tell you what it entails.
It's not their fault.
It's just that, words cannot describe how much it takes.

Thank you and Goodbye.

2011-06-25T23:52:00.005+08:00

So what exactly is beauty?

I saw Grace Kelly for the first time in her wedding gown and I was captivated.

But life's a play. Once it is over, life goes on.

She passed away 20 years ago. These pictures are about 40 years ago.

So what exactly is beauty?

2011-06-17T23:15:00.000+08:00

I have never felt so disappointed in myself before. I think I could have just died right there and then, and God wouldn’t even think twice about casting me down into the lowest pits because, duh, it was a no-brainer for Him.

Very often we see another with a speck in their eye but we do not see a plank in our own.

Happy Sabbath.

2011-06-17T01:13:00.001+08:00

What is beauty if people do not even know what beauty consists?

What is love if people do not even know what love consists?

What is respect if people do not even know what respect consists?

I do not understand how the World goes round anymore.

2011-06-15T12:39:00.002+08:00

Priceless.

2011-06-12T22:27:00.000+08:00

I’ve been questioning a lot for the past few days or weeks. I’m not a skeptical person or maybe I am but truth is I’ve been feeling lonely. Drained. Basically unhappy. I think I know why I am feeling this way but I wonder is it safe to put it here.

Whenever I feel this way, I’ll have a flashback of the conversation with my mom on my 16th going on 17th year. I decided not to marry at that age. Yes, I know you must be sniggering at how foolish or juvenile I was and you must be questioning what my views are now. We all have reasons when we decide on something, don’t we? Obviously I had mine. I didn’t want to rely on someone neither did I want to feel emotionally attached to someone. I was afraid of how draining it will get, how painful it will be and how disappointing some things can get. I was an empty shell. Hollow and drained, unable to put anything in because there was nothing stable to support anything in the first place. Basically, I do not believe in relationships between a man and woman because it only brings disappointment and hurt, and just a little happiness here and there.

For a moment of time, I believed in relationships. I wondered how to love and what sort of love He had for us. I mean, our poor mortal minds cannot comprehend that but the least we could do was to try.

Sigh. Sometimes I wonder is it better to be unhappy and miserable alone or to be unhappy and miserable with someone beside us.

Two is better than one. God instituted marriage.
Yes, I know all of that. But they never tell you what lies between those words and lines, do they?

I’m tired and unlike my contemporaries, I am not as emotionally strong and healthy as they are.

Sadly, no one identifies with that and no one understands or tries. But they want me to be like them instead.

When I come across people’s biographies that describe their lost and loneliness, I find it sad but how ironic because I’m no better than them.

2011-06-10T23:51:00.003+08:00

Ahhh.. This would be wonderful if it really exist.

Then again, life wouldn't be life if this really exists.

So, well, whatever. Life goes on and life moves on.

And we are long gone.

2011-06-05T22:18:00.002+08:00

You know somedays you wake up and you feel so sick and tired with life, you just wonder what can surprise you in this world.

2011-06-03T00:47:00.004+08:00

What exactly is Life?

I came across something I wrote in a random notebook today.
And I sounded desperate. It was a time when I felt lost and immensely empty. It reminded me of how desperate I was; how I was dying inside. I wrote and thought a lot during those few years. It was dark. Very dark. That was 3 and a half years ago.

However, until today I cannot quite figure out what exactly was behind the emptiness. Heartbreak? I do not believe a heartbreak or a single big decision can cause such emptiness in life. Heartbreaks are just... One of the many things that can happen in Life. As mere mortals, we just have to deal with it. I wonder is it something spiritual... It is like what the preacher said, when we face with something within, we have to find the One who created us to solve and salve it.

I think in my lifetime, I will never be able to figure those few years of my life. So many mistakes and bad decisions were made, and having to bear them until today.. Sigh. Sometimes I like to see them as a reminder. A reminder of who I was and who I shouldn't become.

It requires so much courage and pain, physically and mentally, to amend some of these mistakes. And sometimes, running away or acting blur seems like the easiest way out.

Whatever it is, come what may.

He will help me through.

Yes Jo, He will help you through.

2011-05-30T12:11:00.002+08:00

This is exactly how I feel ...

2011-05-27T15:40:00.002+08:00

I don't know what am I disappointed with

but I know I am feeling extremely disappointed.

Maybe it's with the fact that I am stuck,

the fact that I know where my heart is but I cannot go forward.

And

fact proven, I hate photographs.

2011-05-22T00:26:00.001+08:00

There is no freedom.

There is no privacy.

Period.

2011-05-07T23:46:00.004+08:00

What a beautiful picture...

This picture sums up many things in life.

And right now, at this point of my life,

I wonder what is new under the sun.

There are so many decisions to make and I feel that I cannot decide just yet.

But decisions have to be made soon.

Time isn't going to wait.

It is scary but at the same time,

there is nothing new under the sun.

It is this phrase that made me respect Solomon so much.

2011-04-18T18:16:00.003+08:00

It's not that I enjoy being alone all the time or I like to be exclusive.

I just do not like to be with too many people because many people pass judgements far too often and far too quickly. And in turn, they ruin relationships, good healthy relationships.

The only reason why I do not behave like what the quote above has mentioned is because I am a Christian.

2011-04-10T00:44:00.003+08:00

We are constantly searching for our identities until the day we perish.
A random thought and also one of the few things I agree with those psychology books.

We change, don’t we?
We change a lot.
I wonder how much we’ll change from then till then.

You know, I wonder what my life would be if I was with you. I wonder what I will be doing with my life. Would I be doing music? Would I be a teacher? What would I do, a business course just like you? I wonder whether I will be this happy and contented. I wonder if we will be strong together like how we were.

Many people tell me it’s a waste but I know what I had to do back then. It was a breakthrough, spiritually. At least I know I had passed that test. As harsh as this may sound, I think that is more valuable than being with you. I think having everything that I have today is more valuable than being with you.

But it will always be the greatest "What if" in my life.

What an irony.

2011-03-29T19:36:00.007+08:00

I think I was searching for an answer before practicum. I was searching for a reason why I should be a teacher. I did not need reasons but just a reason. I wanted to know why I should remain in this industry or rather, this ministry. I entered with optimism, zeal and maybe some hope. I do not know what kind of hope I had or what I was hoping for but all I knew was to be somewhat contented.

It is already right smack in the middle of practicum and I feel ... dry, drained. I keep questioning about many things, life in general. I think if one were to continue for the next 5 years in this state, it will be deterimental for one's mental state of mind.

Feeling deprived musically is such a difficult thing to deal with. It feels like I am losing the essence of what I believe in, like losing one's core values. At the same time, it has showed me what I really want to do. Despite the bad hours, lousy pay, tight schedule, stressful and demanding lifestyle, I think it is such a grace to do music. I know it will be so difficult if I were to choose this path and I find myself caught in the middle.

Suffer now and forever but a good pay?
Suffer now and live life but lousy pay?

Go figure.

2011-03-14T23:43:00.003+08:00

There are so many things that inspire. But in actuality, they just provoke me to think. To think about what and how I really feel and think about some issues be it personal, past or present. Many things sadden me but at the same time, these things remind me of the better things, whether it is in the present or future. It doesn't matter if people continue to misunderstand, misinterpret or be misled because whatever it is, those issues are not that important to me.

I know what is important to me.

But I am only human. Sometimes, just sometimes, I feel very sad. Very lonely. Very hurt.

2011-02-14T20:56:00.003+08:00

I remember you said it will just be a memory.

Let's keep it that way.

2011-02-13T17:55:00.002+08:00

I am unhappy.

I wish such pills exist.

But I guess not.

The whole world will just become crazy if it does exist.

Whatever.

Life goes on...

2011-02-11T22:36:00.003+08:00

It is all about the details.

Angles

Material

Stitching

Shape

All of which are all so very important.

I know this is very random but I can't seem to pen down what I am really thinking.

Am not gifted in putting my thoughts into words.

Pardon me.

Basically,

details are very important, only in some aspects.

Only some.

2011-01-30T23:52:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I feel sorry for myself.

And I will feel sorry for feeling sorry for myself

because of not being able to see the bigger picture.

But I am only human.

Sometimes I get blinded. I don't see the bigger picture.

Sometimes ...

Sometimes ...

Sometimes ...

It is so true. I keep many things to myself. I don't change.

2011-01-24T12:31:00.003+08:00

Sometimes details matter a whole lot.

And sometimes, details don't matter at all.

Is funny to see how we progress, mature and grow

to realise that as this continues,

we're all walking separate paths.

But yet, somehow,

we're still walking along a similar road.

2011-01-22T22:30:00.005+08:00

Haven't been in the best of moods, really.

Feels like the past is coming back, creeping slowly.

I am afraid.

It's true.
I can't face the past without being engulfed.

It feels like I've failed.

All this while, I had thought that the "lost" or "black" phase has been gone.
Done with it.

But obviously, I've been proven wrong.

Never thought it can feel so terrifying as this, again.

---------------------------------------------

Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
But I can’t regret
What I did for love,
what I did for love.

Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It’s as if we always knew,
And I won’t forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.

Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love’s what we’ll remember.

Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t’ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won’t forget, can’t regret
What I did for love
What I did for love.

What I Did For Love Lyrics

2011-01-16T00:17:00.005+08:00

I do not care if you are fat, skinny as a stick or whatever/however you are.

You are beautiful in my sight.

And I am envious.

I am envious of every female out there who has a perfect clean body.

A clean body, is a perfect body in my sight.

I'd never have thought that, less than a decade later, I would be regretting my actions so much so that I am even willing to go under the knife to get a clean body.

That's how desperate I am slowly getting.

But I know all things are possible through Him. I know God can do all things. He can make mountains move, cast out demons and overcome the devil. What can God not do?

Sigh. Whattheheck, Jo. Seriously. You screwed up big time and you have to live with it. Congrats.

---------------------------

Honestly, can anyone tell me what exactly is love.

To different people, it can mean different things.

Because we expect, think and function in a different manner.

But somehow, I think it boils down to one simple thing...

If we truly have loved,

we will be contented.

I remember a childhood friend asked if I was happy,

I told him, I am contented.

And he said, that's good enough.

And those words really made me feel very loved. Very.

2011-01-09T22:01:00.006+08:00

If you really knew me,

You would know that I am weak in every aspect. I have emotions just like every other human being which need to be attended to. And it doesn't mean that I have to write it on my face, forehead or arm to show that I am in need.

And even so, it doesn't give anyone the right to say that I am fine because of what I have.

Because emotions are not satisfied just by what can be seen.

If you really knew me,

you will know that I am human, just like every one else.

Everyone should be treated equally, regardless.

That's what He has taught us and that's how He treats us.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Forever is a word that we used since we were little.

E.g. "I don't friend you forever!", "I don't like you forever!", "Best friends forever." and etc.

But does forever really exist?

Is your primary school "best friend(s)" still your "best friend(s)" today?

Do you still like pink when you said "I like the color pink forever"?

Obviously not.

Fact is, forever does not exist.

Not in our lifetime, not in our lives and definitely not in anywhere in this world.

It took me awhile to realise the reality of this word.

And ever since then,

I despise the word.

Because there is no such word in this world and neither can any mortal being fulfill it.

Except Him of course.

2011-01-02T00:37:00.018+08:00

Phsycially and emotionally,

I was alone.

Spiritually,

He was there all along.

I can and will be able to say I have fought the good fight

and I have overcomed all those issues

through Him and only Him.

I want to be His testimony

and will live it till the end.

Bring it on.

2010-12-30T00:35:00.002+08:00

I just realised 2010 is coming to an end.

Yayyy? No yay?

I wonder.

So many things had happened.

But it has definitely been a good year.

Maybe, one of my best so far.

Thank God (:

2010-12-22T16:06:00.005+08:00

I am devastated.

I feel like there is just no way anymore.

When he said those words,

my heart sank.

Tears wanted to fall but they were held back.

I mean, how?

How now?

Living a lie for all these years and

now, I have to continue living this lie for the rest of my life.

Just a moment of folly

and now, it becomes an irreversible regret.

Sigh.

2010-12-14T01:14:00.002+08:00

It doesn't matter what people think.

'Cos I'm not living my life for them.

------------------------------------------

Have been thinking about some issue in my life for quite some time.

I feel very torn.

No, helpless would be a better word to describe the whole situation.

Yet, I know no one is really free to help me through it.

And after so much time considering/pondering,

I think it is time to really do something.

But how?

sigh.

2010-12-07T22:47:00.005+08:00

I have given up.

What is the point in hoping when there is no hope?

What is the point in trying when they do not even try?

Or rather,

what is the point in thinking AND trying when they do not even think in the first place.

I have realised that

to remove all form of hope

is better than holding on to hope

because when things do/do not happen,

at least there was no form of hope involved

and it saves a whole lot of disappointment.

If things are significant enough to them, they will think about the issue.

Is this not significant enough?

........

*breathe*

2010-12-06T00:23:00.004+08:00

Words cannot describe how I'm feeling right now.

And even so,

I feel that I don't have the privacy and space

to express it.

But here's just one sentence,

You are the only exception.

2010-12-03T22:57:00.002+08:00

Beauty is not what the world sees.

It does not conform to the world's standards.

Beauty is from within.

It reflects your heart, your soul.

---------------------------------------------

I think I'm going to die.

2010-12-01T00:06:00.011+08:00

Today, I was thinking about something.

What is the point in making money and gaining all the materialistic things

when there is no one who loves you deeply and appreciates you truly for who you are and just what you do.

Maybe I might sound childish or naive,

But I cannot live a life doing something for money or 'good money'.

Is money everything?

Can money buy everything?

Is status everything?

Are the materials of this world going to bring you somewhere out of this world?

I wonder what I want to seek.

Goodbye adolescence. Hello adulthood.

2010-11-28T23:04:00.006+08:00

Many people do not understand this.

They judge and draw the line too quickly.

I think it is sad that they don't understand.

Because they have not found and know what passion really is.

And they don't know what they are missing out.

Only true passion last.

2010-11-21T00:04:00.002+08:00

I feel like an epic failure.

Goodnight.

2010-11-11T20:30:00.004+08:00

I miss practicing.

Although it was a real dread but deep down,

there was somewhat a sense of satisfaction

which was good enough to make me (or any of us)

continue to practice hard.

Maybe it's also because

of the sound of music that we were able to produce

which pushed us forward.

The sense of satisfaction and achievement is priceless. Really.

I wouldn't give anything for that priceless feeling.

And right now,

I would give anything (except my faith; religion; God) to get back that priceless feeling.

Somehow, I feel that my wordly life here,

is so dry.

There is no aim.

What I do everyday is plain boring.

Just like how it was back in secondary school.

Mundane.

Mandatory.

Sigh.

I'm afraid of losing what was painstakingly earned in the past few years.

But passion never dies.

Yes, it never dies.

2010-11-05T00:03:00.002+08:00

So many imperfections.

Far too many.

So many weaknesses.

How?

2010-11-03T16:22:00.002+08:00

I miss Art. A lot.

The past few years has been an amazing journey and it had made me who I am today.

No complains at all, definitely.

I found many precious jewels that can make my life more meaningful.

And the next few years to come are going to be very unpredictable.

Honestly, it scares me sometimes.

But it's okay.

I'm glad He made me go through things that I had to go through

'cos it somehow made me become numb or maybe, the better word would be stronger.

I miss Music.

I feel like as each day passes by,

my hearing deteriorates,

the sensitivity is gradually being lost.

We no longer get to discuss about Music.

No more Music jokes.

No more being in our own world.

Is sad isn't it..

We can never have the best of both worlds.

Sometimes, it scares me.

Just 3 years could do so much.

2010-10-27T20:22:00.004+08:00

It really scares me.

So this is the feeling of fear.

How unpredictable, isn't it?

----------------------------------------

Sometimes I feel dejected.

Sometimes I feel abnormal.

Is not that I want to or choose to,

I'm just wired this way.

Am going to be officially considered as an adult soon.

And I don't know what to make out of it.

I am not, even the slightest bit, looking forward

neither am I happy.

Am I supposed to be happy in the first place?

Relieved?

I mean, I’m kind of confused.

There’s actually nothing to be happy about, honestly.

I'm actually sad.

Sad for myself, really.

-------------------------------

So this is the feeling of fear.

How unpredictable, isn't it?

2010-09-19T23:56:00.005+08:00

I wonder if i did anything right

Because things right now

are actually going too good to be true.

I mean, of course there are things that are not perfect

But this is the world we're living in,

make do with what we have.

Life goes on.

Am in another institute right now

and it isn't the most spectacular place.

But it is definitely allowing me to see another side of the world.

Pros and cons.

Let's not weigh them.

I believe this is actually not even half of what my job is going to give me

so I'd rather make do with what I have now.

I wonder if I did anything right

Because I haven't felt any better than this

for a long long time.

Not because I am enjoying life

or having the best time of my life,

it is the fact that I am enlightened

and am in a point of my life

whereby I am truly happy and contented.

2010-09-04T01:27:00.001+08:00

"... love makes you a better person."

2010-08-27T17:02:00.002+08:00

Is such a harsh, harsh world, isn't it?

Sometimes I wonder why reality has to be like this.

I wonder why time is so short that it becomes so precious.

I have been thinking about the same old things for quite awhile.

And these issues can never have a proper simple answer.

Uncertainties.

2010-08-06T23:54:00.003+08:00

It is okay to be afraid.

It is okay to be vulnerable.

It is okay to freak out.

Everything will be okay...

2010-07-28T11:29:00.000+08:00

We go through so many stages in our lives.

We have to make so many decisions and many of it cause us to feel insecure about the future

'cos each decision will affect our future.

Sometimes these decision-making situations does not directly involve Him

and such situations are the most difficult.

So torn in between.

But I guess He loves us too much.

He gives us far too much

and His grace is sufficient for us.

I wouldn't have come to many of my decisions

if it was not for the people He has given me

who are so dear in my life.

"I'd never give up music for another human being.
I'd never give up my dreams or my art for another person.
Nobody should.
Love makes you an even better person."

- Lady Gaga

2010-07-19T20:59:00.007+08:00

I no longer feel the same about many things

neither do I like the things I used to like in the past.

Only a handful remain true to me.

See,

people change.

And I've realised people change a lot in the growing teen years.

We find our ideals, goals and dreams.

And finally try to come to terms with what we have become

by the end of these teen years.

Upon looking back,

I've been thinking about many 'what ifs'.

But I know many of the 'what ifs' will never work out as beautiful as how they are today.

Because we've changed.

We're no longer how we used to be anymore.

And that's a good reminder of reality.

2010-07-16T17:13:00.003+08:00

I realised how much I miss playing this instrument.

Putting my whole heart into playing just one phrase,

piecing together to create one work of art.

Requires so much effort, concentration, time and energy.

It always get so difficult because sometimes the instrument seem so foreign.

It wouldn't listen.

I guess my technique is not there.

"Is not too late."

That was what my lecturer told me, my very last viva voce exam.

Many told me not to 'give up'.

I don't see this as giving up though.

It has never left.

First love, will always be a first love, aren't they?

It has never change.

It is still my favourite instrument.

Just that being with it made me feel extremely terrible.

I felt like I was not achieving.

Basically, I felt like I wasn't making art.

I wasn't happy.

It was heartbreaking to acknowledge it.

But singing has made it a lot better.

So personal, so true.

Vocal exam is over and am looking forward to the next hurdle.

Come what may.

2010-07-14T16:34:00.002+08:00

I used to be like this.

Can you see it?

In the midst of all the beauty,

all things wither.

What am I now?

I wonder.

2010-07-12T00:16:00.003+08:00

My heart broke instantly.

It was like I didn't know my first love anymore.

Just imagine not knowing

how it sound like,

how it feels.

The texture,

sound,

touch.

...

My heart really broke.

I really cannot believe I neglected it this much.

My heart really broke.

2010-07-02T15:48:00.002+08:00

Sometimes the best time is when we don't say anything at all.

2010-06-24T00:17:00.004+08:00

My teacher was sharing with me her views on our craft.

How Art is made.

What Art is to us.

How do we make a piece our own and not just a mimicry of someone's work.

What it means to be an artist; a soloist.

It is truly a blessing to have my instrument with me.

To have it in me and not somewhere else,

what a privilege.

I don't have to walk to the instrument,

it is already with me.

So important and truly dear to me.

No one can touch it,

no one can feel it.

It is so private.

So close to me.

But it is lonely.

Only shared between the instrument and me.

The struggles we share.

The joys and achievements,

only between us.

No one can understand, experience or feel it.

Close but lonely.

What an irony.

There are so many disadvantages in this path.

Really.

Sometimes when I think back about how I was, what type of person I was.

My values, the life that I led.

It was such a waste of time, really.

But then again,

it helps me appreciate many things in life.

It shows how wonderful His grace and plan is.

His will.

How everything works out though it may not seem that way most of the time.

Nothing will or can be perfect.

That is how life is.

And that is why it is vain.

But it is through these imperfections,

that we appreciate and look at the bigger picture.

And finally,

we feel at ease.

Peace.

Happiness.

Blessed.

Him.

2010-06-24T00:11:00.002+08:00

Stop living a lie.

Be honest.

2010-06-17T15:39:00.008+08:00

Sometimes, when I look back,

I'd think about the 'What ifs'.

There're so many 'What ifs' in our lives.

You would be lying if you deny.

That's a fact.

I consider my 'What ifs' trivial.

Maybe just a handful would be important,

but most of them are made not important

because of the more important thing in life,

You.

Many decisions are made difficult

because I cannot seem to choose the heart or the One.

Both such strong forces.

Yet, the One is always right.

Always.

It may not seem that way

but eventually, it will.

You are mine.

I am Yours.

Despite the undercurrents,

nothing will change.

An understanding.

A wordless one.

Priceless.

You are mine.

I am yours.

2010-06-13T23:56:00.007+08:00

Paris - Switzerland

Too many pictures.

Too beautiful.

These are just the very few pictures that I really adore.

Suteki dane?

2010-05-28T23:13:00.003+08:00

"For You have formed my inward parts;
You have covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

How Previous also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
It I should count them,
they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You."

Psalm 139: 13 - 18

Despite everything that is going on,

I wonder why am I so...

glad,

at peace

and tremenduosly contented.

Sigh.

Your grace is always sufficient.

Always.

Forever.

2010-05-23T00:19:00.003+08:00

Actually, I have many things on my mind right now.

But I'll just talk about one of them.

I had a dream last night.

Don't usually have dreams btw.

And don't usually remember them so vividly such as this, maybe 'cos it just happened.

The events that happened,

the main character and the supporting actress,

the conversations,

everything.

It was really... queer...

Words cannot describe it.

But, it was the main character that scares me.

Why...

Why...

I thought all of this was just a memory.

Wasn't it?

But how did such a dream occur?

Its so scary.

How do dreams work?

Does it remind you of such past out of nowhere?

I honestly, cannot do this.

I can't live every single day having this dream in my head.

sigh.

What a dream...

Somedays, we wake up and wish we can recall the dream but it never happens.
Soon, we'll forget about it and life goes on...

And somedays, we wake up and wish we can just forget about the dream like it never happened.

And I hope,
soon, I'll forget about it and life goes on...

2010-05-12T11:35:00.002+08:00

I was wondering...

We always say

"don't rub salt on my wounds lahhhh"

But the thing is,

after rubbing salt on a wound,

it'll heal much faster.

So,

why not?

2010-05-11T12:27:00.006+08:00

pfffffhhhhh.

I do not like what I would call them as "music-fakes".

Dont all musicians or music lovers dislike such people?

They act like they understand what a musician goes through.

They seem to do all the things that a musician does.

They go through all the motions to act/be like one but is not one at all.

That's jus low.

Real low.

See, the thing is...

We enjoy what we do

and more importantly,

we love what we do.

Yes, sometimes, alittle love-hate relationship

but we still love it.

It is ...

our life,

our drive,

our passion.

And we want to know more about what we do.

And when we don't know, we don't act like we know.

We ask, we seek help, we practice and we learn from there.

But you know what,

its okay.

Breathe.

Have integrity.

Life goes on.

2010-05-03T23:32:00.002+08:00

I feel like...

I have no space anymore

It is like I am unable to contain anything more.

Like I have already reached my limit.

And at the end of the day,

I feel desolate.

Like an empty shell.

If that made sense.

But that's how I feel.

Packed and empty shell.

2010-05-02T22:27:00.003+08:00

Isn't it nostalgic?

Another journey is ending and we're going to embark on a new one.

Memories ... Good, bad but all precious.

Essential.

So I guess this is it.

2 papers tmr.

1 final recital in 2wks.

And that is the end to my NAFA life.

Have been waiting for 6 semesters for this.

Somewhat relieved, alittle happy but not very fufilled.

I wish I can have the chance to pursue further...

To know more...

There is more to what I have learnt in NAFA.

There is more to many things...

2010-04-29T02:18:00.005+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder what do I take joy in.

I mean, what exactly.

Sometimes I laugh to myself wondering why do I even bother to work so hard for that.

You know,

the satisfaction level is brief.

In the next few moments,

I would have gotten over the satisfaction

and begin to wonder again.

Do you know,

its really lonely...

Not many people to share the joy, the pain, the pleasure,

and only a hand full or none will understand.

I wonder how do performers survive...

200, 500, 1000, 2000 people in a concert hall.

But so?

So lonely...

No one understands how you feel when you stand there/sit there.

No one understands the pain you went through to get this performance done.

In an instant,

2hours the most,

it will be over.

Applause.

Applause.

And another cycle begins.

So?

So what now?

2010-04-26T01:04:00.005+08:00

When I was younger,

about 6 years ago,

someone told me in my face that people will never change.

Even though I had expressed that I did want to change.

Do you wonder

why do I adore pictures of flowers

and only certain types of flowers?

------------------------------------------------------

I had sworn to myself that I was content with loneliness

You are the only exception.

2010-04-13T00:09:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wonder what do people expect from such a space.

Secrets?

Personal life?

Daily events?

Sometimes I try to recall why did I even create this space.

I guess it was boredom and then,

it became a place for me to hide.

But things have changed,

some people visit for the wrong reasons.

And it has caused many of us who have such a space to hide even more

and not share anything.

Instead of being able to say what we want,

it has become a place where we are extremely cautious.

Is this your space or mine?

But then again, many of us who have such a space,

use it for the wrong reasons.

Go figure.

It is really juvenile,

ludicrous,

rash,

and worse of all,

manupilative.

2010-04-12T16:07:00.005+08:00

Please,

do not use the word 'forever'.

This word does not exist in our lives,

in our world.

It cannot be applied.

It is not part of our lives.

So don't say it.

Just, don't use it.

---------------------------------------------------

It is really tiring...

Really.

2010-04-08T23:35:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I wonder what for...

there's so much more than just these things.

Why should we be so weak?

Why should we think that we need these things to survive?

Do we need or do we feel that we need?

What is the point in all these things?

So pointless.

So superficial.

So useless.

And,

this is the place we live in.

*shrug*

2010-03-25T23:33:00.003+08:00

Some people think its easy...

Its really not...

And we are only human,

mere mortal.

So, please becareful of your words.

They stay,

for life.

Even though,

they may not make any sense

because you do not know what you are saying

and textbook answers do not apply in such situations.

Textbook answers only apply in textbook questions.

This ain't no textbook question.

So becareful of your words.

They stay,

for life.

2010-03-21T00:28:00.012+08:00

People think that expressing and 'singing' on an instrument is easy...

What they do not get is how difficult it already is to bring it out of you.

It is not inborn,

it is a gift.

If it is not a gift,

it must be cultivated.

The most difficult part,

to have the stamina to sustain the quality till the end.

And it is painfully difficult to play as such on that instrument

where I already feel crippled.

It tears me apart to listen to it make the sounds that I do not want.

I have no total control over.

It kills me when one reminds me of it.

I never asked to play that instrument,

neither did I want to major in it

but I do not regret learning.

It is a good instrument,

good enough,

in many ways.

But if I had a choice,

I would not want to touch it anymore.

It is already my limit.

So please,

do not assume that I like / enjoy the instrument.

Do not act like you know.

It will only show that you do not know anything at all.

Do not say things like,

"That's the instrument you major in, you're supposed to be good. How can you not like it?!"

You have not met enough musicians to say that,

you do not know our world

neither will you understand it.

You do not know what you are talking about.

It only reflects your naive, shallow mind.

The Arts never is what it seems.